He Didn't Hit Me Today

I'm just waiting to be hit...

My shoulders are hunched and I'm making as little noise as I can while typing away on my computer. When my husband walks into the room, I roll my chair back so that I'm out of his way. Facing him, but sitting very still, and making no eye contact. I wait for him to indicate what he wants.

No, it's fine; he just came into the kitchen to refill his glass of water. He does that, and then heads back to his office. Some of the mental alarms quiet down, and I can relax a little and go back to work. But I'll still keep an ear out for any threats.

I want you to stop here and take stock of yourself. Are your shoulders hunched? Are you breathing shallow and quick? Can you feel your heart racing? What is the threat to you, reading this? 

Take a deep breath, relax your neck and shoulders. You're in no danger, and neither am I. My husband has never raised a hand to me in anger, really doesn't even raise his voice to me. And for goodness' sake, he just wanted a drink of water. So why am I anticipating him attacking me?

Because nearly thirty years ago, I was married to a man who hit me. He yelled a lot - his family communicated at the top of their voices at all times. He got mad easily. He punched holes in the wall, a door, and more than a few times, he hit me too. I got away from him, but not before developing some major triggers. Triggers that just won't go away.

So what set it off today? My husband is frustrated with something at work. I can hear him, on the other side of the house, sighing loudly and talking back at his computer. It has nothing to do with me, and I know that it won't boil over onto me. But I'm still wary, ready to seek escape. I'm programmed this way, now, and probably always will be.

Many of us have this programming. Those who were abused as children, as wives, as husbands, as boyfriends and girlfriends. It doesn't matter how impossible it seems that the person we love now would ever strike us, we're ready for it anyway. It's not about them. It's about having been hit before, and being ready for it to happen again.

So if you're talking loudly, and see someone flinch... soften your voice. If you move your arm, and you see someone move their body to a defensive stance... put your arm down, close in your body language. Reduce the amount of threat you present. Even better, reduce your threat before someone feels it. 

And don't take it personally. You didn't do it to them. And maybe they know that you would never... But it's not about you.