Family vs Relatives

first published October 29, 2018

  

When I say ‘family’, I realize that what I’m thinking may not match what you’re thinking. I’ll distinguish between ‘family’ and ‘relatives’, here. Just because someone is related to me doesn’t make them family; and just because they aren’t related doesn’t stop them from being family. Most of my family isn’t related to me. I choose who I love, and I don’t necessarily follow standard rules about it. But I know who I mean.

When I talk about family, I mean my parents. My mother, and my step-father. MrBobby didn’t raise me; I was an adult when he came into my life. But he loves me, and he’s incredibly important to me. My Mommy, Myra, did raise me, and she means more than anything to me. They are my parents. Now, I also had a father who was a part of my childhood. He died a few years back, and through him I have a lot of relatives, but no family.

When I talk about family, I mean my brother and sister. I’m an only child, with no related siblings. But when I was about ten years old, I came home from school one day with Beth, and she’s been my sister ever since - and when she married, her husband Shane became family too. When I was a little older, Till came to live with us as an exchange student, and I had a brother. Even from across the globe, he's my brother.

When I talk about family, I mean my children. I have three children, and they are all about the same age. I have a bio-daughter, Tori - I raised her from beginning to end, and she is the love of my life. My own heart-sister had a child, EJ, shortly after I did. We raised these two side-by-side when they were little, and EJ is my nephew/son. One day Tori came home with a friend, Lucious, and much like Beth became my sister, Lucious became my child. Their wonderful life partner, Roger, and two delightful children of their own, are also family. These are all my children.

When I talk about family, I mean my loves - the people that share my day-to-day, and sometimes my home. My husband Scott and I have been together for ten years, and married for almost four. [ed 1/2021] We are polyamorous. My metamour Sarah is as much a part of my heart and my home as he is - we are partnered. The three of us are together, in some combination, as much as possible. 

When I talk about family, I mean the people that love the people I love and the people that spend their time and energy with me and the people I love. Scott's parents are my family, and I delight in talking to them, even across the country. The people that come over to our house (even in pandemic times) to play games several times a month, and come over early to eat with us and stay late to hang out and talk - they are family.

So few of these folks are related to me - my mom, my daughter, my husband - and the rest have no legally recognized connection, and often no socially recognized connection, either. But that doesn’t mean they are any less my family. I also have many relatives - aunts, uncles, cousins... no more grandparents, sadly.

But it is the people noted here that I will turn to when I have problems or when I have something to celebrate. These are the relationships I will defend and protect. These are the people who can hurt me, and heal me. This is my family.

I've had a few instances lately of people discounting my family because 'they're not really related to you'. It makes me angry every time. Lucious is no less my child than Tori is. Bobby is certainly no less my parent than my father was. And my boyfriend is no less my love than my husband is. When you disregard the people close to me, you are indicating to me that my love for them is not important, and that just won't be allowed to stand.

I have three kids that I claim as mine, forever and always. But I also have several 'near-children' that life has brought me. I've had step-children, past and present - Lee and Destiny, Kai, Hannah, and Andrew. I've had children that Tori's brought me - Danielle is my almost-daughter. And I've had my theatre children - Jack and Andrew, as well as others. These all get to call on me as a mom anytime they want.