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I was raised to be a 'Gracious Giver' - someone who jumps at a chance to help others, to be generous, without expectation of recompense. I think it's part of my southern upbringing, perhaps. But it's definitely a deep-seated part of my family, at least. When you see someone in need, and you can help them, you do it. And I get excited about it, too, adding on relating things (or sometimes just things that I want to get rid of).
Giving was an early lesson for me. I remember we always had a 'goodwill pile' in the house. Not necessarily to take to a store and donate, but also to give to anyone that needed it. My mother was a Giver. She would take food or clothes to people that were in need, or maybe pinch-hit as a babysitter. But you know, I can't remember a specific instance of Giving as I was growing up. I think it's because giving was just such a regular part of our lives. No individual Good Deed stands out, because doing Good where you can was just a regular thing. Give a little money to someone begging. Buy a tank of gas for someone who is out. Give that person walking a ride. Take a load of clothes to a friend who just lost or gained weight. Pack up some food for someone recovering from surgery. Go clean their kitchen for them. Help pack/unpack for someone moving. It was just the way I was raised. Do Good where you can.
My daughter's a Giver, too. I remember her stumbling into the living room, about five years old, dragging a garbage bag full of clothes and toys. She had heard on the radio about a family that had a house fire. They had a little boy about her age, and she wanted to give him some of her things. Or the time we went through her toys and took a pile of them to a homeless shelter nearby for the children there. Or the many times she gave away her toys or clothes to friends, because they liked them and she enjoyed seeing them happy.
I'm sure you have your own stories about being a Giver in your life, too. It's taught and shown by example from early on around here. But what about Receiving? Every time one person gives, another person has to receive that gift. And you know what we aren't taught? How to Receive Gracefully.
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How do you respond when you are offered a Gift? "No, really, that's not necessary." "I couldn't." "I don't deserve..." "I'll get by without it." Do you feel guilty, unworthy, like a burden?
Until things get really dire, and we have to accept the charity. We take the outstretched offerings, eyes cast down, guiltily taking the things we need and feeling bad about it. Perhaps a mumbled, "Thank you". Or "I'll repay you when I can."
We turn this joyful occasion of Giving by one person into a shameful moment of Taking by the other. We overlay the good feeling of being able to help someone with guilt over being a burden. Why do we do that to ourselves - and each other?
If you are being offered a Gift, you're probably already dealing with something in your life that's negative. You are without, or you are hurting. That's probably why the Gift is being offered. Don't add to your own burden. Certainly, the giver never intended to hand you guilt and shame with their Gift.
As a Giver, please let me help you. I've often felt like I was helpless when seeing my friends hurting. I can't change your circumstances; I can't make this Bad Thing have not happened. But I can ease your struggle a little. By offering you something that will help, I can share your struggle just a little. This means I ease my own helplessness, too. Let me feel good about helping you. That's good for my mental health.
I've been a Receiver so many times in my life. When I was a young adult, a single mom, so many people helped me. I was given furniture and clothes and household goods to try to get started. I was on food stamps and other public assistance. I spent several years sharing a car with my child and asking friends for rides everywhere we went. My parents helped support me for a long time, as is true for many people. So many people have generously contributed to my life, over and over. And to my daughter's life, as well. I couldn't count how many people have helped her as she became an adult. Buying her artwork, encouraging her, helping her furnish her house. Feeding her (because you can win her heart with food). Helping my daughter, well, that gives you a special place in my heart - because her happiness goes hand-in-hand with mine.
When you Receive a Gift, you don't need to worry about paying them back - you are already giving back the opportunity to help someone. The Giver is receiving from you the good feelings that go with helping someone, and a release from feeling helpless. As long as the Receiver doesn't make it a guilty shameful event to be hidden, both parties can come away from the exchange feeling positive.
I'll also sneak in there that sometimes what I'm Giving can be a direct benefit to me, too. Maybe I give a friend a bag of clothes. They get clothes; I get more space back in my closet for things I want more. How about when I buy art from my children? They get some cash; I get beautiful things for my room. Or I hire a friend to clean my kitchen - they need some money; I get to help them and I get a clean kitchen. Maybe I give away some Things of mine to someone. I have so many Things - clearing out some of them makes room for more!
I've noted that my daughter is one of the best Receivers I know. I don't think I've ever seen her do the "oh, I'm not worthy of your help, please don't let me burden you" secretiveness with Receiving. She has always, instead, naturally been very affirming of the Giver and the Gift. Her reactions are things like, "Oh, that's wonderful; I know exactly where I'll put that!" or "Thank you so much! I'll use this money to buy X that I really need." or "I'll think about you whenever I use this!" She gets excited about the Gift and shares that with the Giver. And really, as Givers, isn't that the payback we're really looking for?
And if you still can't shake the need to pay it back, understand that you might not pay it back directly to the Giver, but you will still pass it on. Today someone helps you by giving you a ride when your car is broken down. Tomorrow you give a friend ten bucks to put some gas in their tank. They use that gas to visit a friend who's feeling down. That friend feels better, so they make a grocery run for their parents who are house-bound. Next week, those parents make a casserole for their neighbor who had to deal with a funeral. This is how a Culture of Giving works. You never get paid back directly; the Giving just bounces around unpredictably. And everyone is better off for it.
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