Some examples...
There's someone you'd like to start dating. She's intelligent, she's lovely, and she's fun. But she has kids (or cats, or a job you despise, etc.), and you decided some time ago you aren't dating someone with kids. We've all heard someone say something like, "I'd love to date her, if she didn't have... [kids, cats, job]." But this is the wrong way to look at it. This indicates the choices are:
- Date her without kids.
- Date her as-is, kids and all.
That's not correct, because she's not going to suddenly become childless for your convenience. Your real choices are:
- Date her as-is, kids and all.
- Don't date her; look elsewhere.
You've found a great job. It has everything you're looking for, except there's an hour-plus commute to get there. You might bemoan this, complaining, "It would be the perfect job, if only it wasn't so far away." So you're talking about it as if your choices are:
- Great job without an hour commute
- Great job with an hour commute
Of course, you want the job without the commute. But that's not been offered. Your real choices are:
- Great job with an hour commute
- This job isn't great for you because you live an hour away. Keep looking.
Your mental health isn't great these days (and really, isn't that all of us right now?). There's a thing you'd like to do, but you're not sure you're up for it. I mean, if you were stable and mentally healthy right now, you'd jump at this opportunity. But again, we're looking at the wrong choices. We shouldn't be considering:
- Go do the thing, with a good mindset and all your tools.
- Try to do thing, knowing that your brain's going to make it hard.
No, you don't get to make that choice, because the good-mental-health state isn't available to you. Instead, you have to work with what you've got. So you get to choose from:
- Try to do thing, knowing that your brain's going to make it hard.
- Don't try the thing, because you've weighed the risk to your stability and don't think it's a good choice.
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I find that we really handicap ourselves by trying to choose between what's really an option and what we'd like that option to be, if we lived in a fantasy world where we could change things. But we don't live in that world, and wishing for it to be different just breeds up opportunities to be frustrated, to feel like a failure, or to be left out.
- Of course you'd opt for dating that person that meets all your qualifications with no downsides - but that person doesn't exist.
- Of course you'd go for that job that pays twice what it's worth and has zero commute - if that job was something available to you.
- Of course you'd rather go try new things with your brain completely screwed on and your nerves at peace - if you ever actually felt like that.
But those aren't the choices that we have open to us. Instead of trying to choose between options that aren't there, we need to step back and honestly look at how our options are laid out in the real world. Are you willing to take the risks associated - with success, and with failure?
- If you really like this person, maybe you'll like her kids, too. And enjoy a new relationship. Or give her a pass and commit to looking for someone without kids (or cats, etc.).
- Decide if you're willing to put up with a long commute for a possibly great job. Try it. Or set aside that job as not worth it, because the commute is part of the job.
- Try the things, even when your brain isn't quite up to it. Go to the party but leave early, when you get overwhelmed. Or figure out a way to participate up to your comfort level. Or weigh the cost and decide to skip the thing to protect your own mental health.
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