My Body is not ME

So here's the thing. I am fat. As in I am medically obese (hello 35+ BMI). I wear plus-size clothes (generally a 20 or 2X). Even in men's clothes, I wear big-and-tall or plus sizes. I am diabetic, I have joint issues, and I get tired pretty easily when I do active things. I understand that I am fat. I know how to lose weight, and it would be great for my body if I did so. But I'm not likely to torture myself to do so, because I don't want it that badly.

I also have a lot of body issues that have nothing to do with my weight, resulting in both Gender Dysphoria and Body Dysmorphia. Part of that is being a multiple personality. None of us look in the mirror and feel like that body matches us; instead it is a middle-ground, something representative of each of us in pieces. We don't have the haircut that any of us wants; instead we have something that none of us hates; something we can all live with.

I don't like my face. It doesn't look the way I feel. I don't make eye contact with myself in the mirror, and I'll usually avoid looking at my face as a whole. I'll look at a jaw or an eye or an ear, but the whole thing at once is just... disconcerting. I accept that my face must be attractive, because I am often told how much I look like my mother or my daughter, both of whom are just gorgeous. So I must be pretty in some way; I believe this, but I can't see it.

I am probably never going to love my body. There's too much of it, and too often, it just doesn't feel like it's mine. It's not ALL mine at once. When I'm leaning female in behavior/thought/identification, it's too butch and too fat. When I'm leaning male, there's all these female pieces causing me discomfort. I'd love to have less boobs, less belly, thicker hair, eyes that work better, stronger arms, healthier lungs and joints and liver... the list goes on. 

I'm loving the trend lately toward Body Neutrality, rather than Body Positivity. I don't have to love my body. It's enough that it's mine, and I am able to use it for things that I do love. I accept that some people are attracted to my body. I don't understand why they are, and I wouldn't be attracted to it on someone else, but I accept that other people are attracted to it, and I'm thankful that they are.

All this to say... My image of my body is not my image of ME.

If someone asks me to describe myself, I start with my labels. Geek. Queer. Multiple. Kinky. Polyamorous. Mother. Thespian. Genderfluid. Gamer. Teacher. If I'm talking to someone in the kink community, I include those labels too - Kink Educator. Bottom. Switch. Androsexual. Primal. SAM. Sadomasochist. Instigator.

My body is one of the last pieces of myself I'd use for a description. And even if I did, not all my labels for it are negative. Fat. Old. Broken. Butch. Buxom. Tough. Dexterous. 

All of those things in the first two lists, they are choices, in that I choose to be that person. I choose to be Queer. I choose to be primal. I choose to be an educator. This body is just one of the tools I've been handed. It's not in the best shape, but it's mine. And I have a lot of experience using this particular body, so I'm able to use it in a lot of ways (not always in the ways it's designed for). 

When I teach my 'Welcome to Kink' classes, I tell people that we aren't so much interested in what you are - your profession, your church, your family, etc. - as we are interested in who you are - your values, respect, intelligence, and interests. The same things holds true here. My body is simply the vehicle I'm driving - it is what I am physically, but since I didn't choose it, it really doesn't describe me. The real question is who I am - what choices do I make, what actions do I take, and how do I see and describe myself. Those things are so much more important than the body I have.