This is Not Okay

first published November 15, 2016

 

We are not okay. We have a respect problem. And by we, I mean my community, my society, my country. I mean you, and I mean me, and everyone we come in contact with. Because we, as a society, have failed to teach ourselves and each other to seek out consent and to respect those who are different from us in some way. We say things like ‘those people’ and ‘boys will be boys’ and 'dressed like that, she was asking for it'. Rapists get off with a slap on the wrist. Political candidates get away with making fun of someone’s disabilities. Hate crimes are everywhere.

We laugh at jokes that are misogynistic, racist, bullying, rapey, bigoted, racist, homophobic, islamaphobic, xenophobic, or any other ‘-phobic’ out there. Because they’re funny. They don’t hurt anyone, right? Wrong. They hurt that person sitting nearby who is of whatever subgroup the joke targets - because they don’t know if that joking is going to turn into an attack on them. And they hurt the people laughing - they hurt you. Because every time you laugh at a hate-based joke, you kill your empathy just a little. And we need that empathy. You need that empathy. That person listening needs your empathy.

“But it’s not that bad!” Really? Read this: https://www.georgetakei.com/some-of-the-horrific-acts-that-happened-in-the-short-time-since-trump-was-electe-2640774304.html. Seriously, go read the link; I’ll be here when you get back. These things really happened in the last week. And we can’t look away from these events. Not any more.

We have to act. By which I mean me; and I mean you. YOU HAVE TO ACT. Maybe you’re a white christian straight cis-gender male in a traditional relationship. Congratulations, you could hide from all of this. Which means you have more of a responsibility to speak up. Because like it or not, your voice gets to be louder than mine. If you are anything else - if you are female, trans*, a person of color, non-christian, non-heteronormative, polyamorous, or anything else that separates you from ‘the norm’, you already know that things have to change. And you have to be part of changing them.

What can we do? First we police ourselves.

Don’t tell that hate-based joke. Don’t repost that meme that might hurt someone. Even if you thought it was funny. It's not okay. Slap yourself on the hand and watch a panda video.

Pay attention to your behavior - do you avoid those that appear different from you? Stop it. Go make a friend.

Learn about people who are different from you. You have an entire internet at your disposal. Learn about their religion, their lifestyle, their struggles, their fears. Don’t be one of their fears.

Work on your empathy. If someone tells you about the awful thing that happened to them, don’t try to one-up them. Don’t minimize the thing that happened. Look them in the eye, listen to their story, and tell them, “That was not okay.” Mean it.

Then we teach others.

Do you have children? Don’t let them be fearful or hateful of people who are different. Children are born with great empathy and a blindness to ‘differentness’ - encourage it. Talk with them honestly and encourage them. Point out to them things that are okay and things that are not.

Set the example. When you see someone who appears to be in a ‘target’ group, be friendly. A smile and a ‘hello’ go a long way toward diffusing their fear.

When someone tells that hate-based joke or makes an off-color comment. Speak up. Tell them, “That’s not okay.” For most people, that simple phrase will make them stop and think.

Protect yourself. If you are in a targeted minority, you are already taking steps to protect yourself.

Try to keep yourself out of situations where you are more likely to be at risk.

Use the buddy system. Learn some self-defense. Walk with confidence. Be aware of your surroundings. People that will act out of hate and bigotry will look for an easy target. Don’t be that target.

Don’t let fear of what might happen rule you. Don’t let the bullies win.

If something happens, speak up - loudly. “This is not okay!”

If they don’t stop, get yourself safe, and then report it. Don’t let them get away with it.

Remember that this is about their hate, not about you. Don’t let this hold you down.

Accept assistance from others when it’s there. Don’t turn away allies just because they aren’t in the same risk group you are.

Protect Others. If you can. Not everyone can take this step. If you are not of any targeted group (if you are a white christian straight cis-gender male in a traditional relationship), this is even more important.

When you see hate-behavior happening, speak up. Don’t just walk away and avoid the situation. This is the time to step in and say, “This is not okay.” Say it loudly, and continue saying it until the behavior stops.

Wear the safety pin (http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/14/fashion/safety-pin-ally-activism.html?_r=0). Make a fashion statement that says you are willing to be a safe person to ally with those who need it - (https://www.bustle.com/articles/194720-people-are-wearing-safety-pins-in-this-hostile-post-election-climate-for-a-powerful-reason). But understand what you are saying by doing so, and be prepared to handle what that may bring to you - (https://isobeldebrujah.wordpress.com/2016/11/12/so-you-want-to-wear-a-safety-pin/).

 

Be an Ally. Set the example (http://passionandsoul.com/soul/safety-pins/)

Participate in peaceful protest actions.

Volunteer and/or donate to organizations that promote compassion and civil rights.

• American Civil Liberties Union - https://www.aclu.org/ 

• Human Rights Campagn - http://www.hrc.org/ 

• Southern Poverty Law Center - http://splcenter.org/

Send notes of support and encouragement to people you know who may be feeling marginalized and in danger.

Look for chances to be an example of love and positivity in action. Let someone in in traffic. Give a dollar (or five) to a homeless person. Pay for the next order in line at the drive-thru. Smile at someone.

Stand by people who need your support. Go to the bathroom with the transwoman worried about going by herself. Sit down on the bus next to the Muslim woman. Say ‘hello’ and ‘you are welcome here’ and ‘I am here for you’ both verbally and by your actions.

Speak acceptance and love and tolerance.

Before you do something to help, ask them if they are ready for your help. “Is this okay?”

We have to change ourselves, change our society, change our country. I have to act. You have to act. There are small ways to improve things, and there are big ways to improve things. You may not be able to do some of the things I’ve said here. I can't do all the things I've said here. But I can do something. You can do something. You can do more. Change the corner of the world you live in. Make one person feel safer. Make yourself safer. Set the example. Because what’s happening? This is not okay.