People have asked me about how I came to realize I'm multiple. How did 'I' become 'we'?
Unlike many multiples, my story doesn't start with horrific childhood trauma. I actually had a really lovely childhood. My parents were happy together for most of childhood, and we were well-off enough that I really had pretty much everything I could ask for. I mean, that's the facts I know, at least. I don't really have those memories. I wasn't the child that grew up. I'm a different part.
When 'I' became a teenager, things fell apart rather suddenly. The girl that grew up in this body, her parents got divorced, and she got pregnant, got married, got a taste of domestic abuse, and split apart. She started exhibiting all the signs of what I've learned to label catatonia. At the time, it just meant that we needed to escape the situation and couldn't do so physically, so we did so mentally. A few trips to the hospital, a stay in the psych ward, and eventually we escaped physically, as well.
Once we got away from that situation, the catatonic episodes grew further apart, and we thought everything was fine. 'I' raised a child, did all the Life things. Eventually, we joined a theatre troupe and a role-playing writing community that we were pretty heavily involved with. As we know now, a lot of the acting and role-playing we were doing served as an outlet for some of our alters to have a little bit of life, a little time to be active.
As our daughter moved toward the end of high school, we ended up pulling back some from the theatre. At that time, I began to notice that a lot of the role-playing writing I was doing just... popped into being. Like I would sit down to write, have a plan, and then the piece would be finished. I'd go back to read it, and not recognize the writing. Sometimes it worked with the plan, sometimes it didn't. If you've been following me for a bit, you might recognize the names of some of my characters - Ki'ira, RubIq', Lynn, Jarett...
I began having some trouble keeping all my interests active, so I quit the writing group. And that's when things got a lot more difficult for me. I started losing a lot of time, hours at a time. I would suddenly realize I was across town, hours later than what I remembered. And sometimes had bags of things I had purchased in the car with me. Or I'd be at work, leave to go home... and then I was home, but wouldn't remember getting there, and it was hours later, and I'd find groceries in the house I didn't remember buying. Friends would tell me they'd texted or talked to me, and I'd find the messages in my phone, but not remember sending and receiving them.
I also noted some extreme behavioral changes in myself - some that I couldn't control. Have you ever been on painkillers or other drugs, and been just out of it enough to watch yourself talk funny or walk funny, and been unable to stop it? That was happening to me pretty frequently - except without the drugs. Worse, there were times that I was just plain hateful to someone, and ten minutes later was being all cute and sweet and childish. Neither of those behavior patterns was typical of me. I'm just not 'cute' - or hateful - most of the time.
A lot of my routines had been interrupted when my daughter left for college, my parents had moved out of town... I didn't have a lot of friends who could recognize the changes as such, though I had a lot of friends who accepted where I was. But I knew something was wrong. So I started digging. I started trying to keep notes - when I could remember where they were. I started doing a lot of internet research. I eventually ended up just going through the list of disorders in the DSM that seemed even remotely related to the symptoms I was having.
Eventually, I found Dissociative Identity Disorder, or Multiple Personality Disorder. It sure seemed to fit what I was experiencing. I noted it and continued my research, then came back to it when I didn't find anything else that fit as well. Then I tried to 'prove' to myself that I couldn't have D.I.D. And I couldn't do it. The only thing is that I hadn't recognized any alternate personalities taking control. But I had the blank spaces to indicate that they had done so.
I made a conscious effort to accept that someone else - or maybe several someone elses - could be driving my body around without my input. I accepted that the body was still whole and safe, and though there had been a few extra expenditures, it was nothing unreasonable. No trips to Vegas, just some toys and clothes I wouldn't have picked out for myself. Over some weeks, maybe months, I worked on accepting that I was sharing my body.
And I wanted to meet my counterpart, or counterparts. One consistent 'other' had to be a little girl, based on things that had been acquired. Stuffies, coloring supplies, candy... So I tried coloring a little, talking out loud that I was okay with her being and I'd like to meet her, things like that. Nothing happened.
And then I started coloring left-handed. That was it. I felt myself pull away from my body, like you do in a dream sometimes. I could feel hand coloring, but suddenly I was left-handed, and it felt right. I could see what I was coloring on, but not with my eyes... like watching on a TV screen. A small, poorly-adjusted TV screen. And I knew her. I'd heard her name in my head for years when I created characters on and off. "Name me Kiara." But she hadn't been asking to name a character Kiara, but herself.
And then I snapped back into place, dropped the crayon, and started gasping for air. Somewhere I had forgotten to breathe. But there was someone else there - someone in my head. And I knew her name!
That was the beginning of meeting my alters, my other selves. Kiara, Jarett, Rubi, Sam, Counselor, Silent One. I experienced each of them, overlapping - or not, talking - or not, taking over - or not. It was a rapid-fire changing of the 'cast' for a while, as we got to know each other. Later, other alters shifted in - Cherish, Paul, Gracelyn Rose, Stephanie, Lynn, Glass, Baby Paul. Some combined and recombined with others. Some chose - or were pressured into - going dormant. Silent One became Nyx, when it wasn't silent any more.
I read about DID/MPD - a lot. I read whatever I could find about the diagnosis and treatment of DID, and I read accounts written by and/or about multiples. I watched United States of Tara - and got so jealous of the costume changes available. I read and wrote a lot for myself, too. A long-dead blog has a lot about how I got through from 2011 to 2016 - not just the multiplicity, but relationships and everything else. And then, I just let it all settle. I started getting to know my alters, develop relationships with them. We set some ground rules by committee, and made some decisions together.
For the last few years, we've been a pretty stable cast. Primary alters now are Me, Kiara, Paul, and Rubi. Secondary are Sam, Baby Paul and Nyx. Those designations are pretty fluid, but that's usually who's around these days. I accept that this is all subject to change at some point, but right now we're in good communication with each other and can generally control who's doing what with the body.
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