Struggling - for Internal Drama Only

I'd like to share someone else's writing, for a changeup. I follow TheFerrett as he struggles with writing, mental wellness, and life.

Getting Ice Cream With My Therapist

I read this piece, and it was like being seen. We have spent so many years struggling with our mental issues constantly. The status quo was, for so long, "What are we struggling with today?" There was always an alter upset, a bit of anxiety or depression to focus on, problems with controlling switching, or relationship problems.

Now we still struggle sometimes, but there are these gaps where everything's, well, FINE. There's nothing to focus on as the problem of the day, because we've done a lot of work to get to a place where we are healthier. And [gasp] it's worked. There are many days where there isn't a struggle, where figuring out what to eat is the toughest thing to work on.

Many times when those days come up, I feel guilty. I react as if I'm slacking off, letting the problems run amuck without supervision.  I feel like maybe I'm missing the issues, like one's sneaking around causing damage in the background, and I should be out there searching for something to be wrong. I'm afraid that I am just in denial that anything is wrong, and how dare I be content?

But that's not the case. Really, it's just that I'm... OKAY. Everything is working fine. The hard work we've put in for years trying to get a handle on our struggles has come to fruition, and I'm handling things just fine. 

I don't know how to handle being Fine. I don't know how to sit and be Okay. I don't know how to take a day off from struggling with myself. Which is crazy. I'm so used to struggling with a problem that when there isn't one, I'll manufacture a problem with being Okay.

I got where I was trying to be, healthier and capable of having many days of being Okay. But I didn't expect that to be the hard part.

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I commented something like the above on one of TheFerrett's posts of the above. His response:

"When you struggle all the time, calm feels ominous."

And how right that one is. But today, I'm Okay. And I'm going to try to be Okay with that.

Inauguration Day

Today is the inauguration of President Joe Biden and Vice-President Kamala Harris. In our household, we are each watching it live on our own computers while working. And no surprise, it's got me thinking. So I'm typing this out as the inauguration ceremony is happening.

During the anthem and the pledge, I found myself tearing up. Because I'm a sentimental sap, and despite everything, I am patriotic. I do love my country, despite my disappointment in it, and its people, so frequently and consistently.

Years ago, I wouldn't have bothered watching the inauguration ceremony, because I 'didn't do politics'. And because my watching it would make no difference to the machine rolling along. I voted, but I knew my vote didn't mean a lot, because I'm in Tennessee, and it's a pretty sure thing where our votes would go to.

Except the last few years have changed my opinions and my patriotism. I've become a lot more interested in politics the last few years, for a few reasons. I started paying attention when I became part of the queer community, and realized how piercing the effect of politics was on the lives of people I knew and cared about. I started paying closer attention when Trump was campaigning for the office, and the horror of the idea he could win began to settle throughout my community. I think age brings us more awareness of how politics affect us, especially as we gain a better hold on our own opinions and desires, and see how political decisions affect not only ourselves, but others.

When Trump actually won, I found in myself a huge disappointment in the people of my country - I just thought they were better. I needed to believe in them to be wiser, more caring for one another. They are not - people, especially in groups, are selfish and shortsighted and driven by hatred, especially hatred of those different from themselves. When the pandemic hit, I found even more disappointment in the way people - as individuals as well as groups - handled the situation and themselves. The last several years have been a terrible coming to awareness of just how awful and selfish people can be.

And then we sang the anthem and pledged allegiance to our United States. I remembered the patriotic hopefulness of a much younger, more innocent me. I recognized the discouragement deep in my soul regarding the people around me. And yet, I also felt a singular love and hope and cheer pledging to my country and seeing the machine travel along, despite setbacks. And there are tears in my eyes. We can be better. Right?

Churches Should Be Saving Us from Covid-19

Why aren't churches and church leaders leading the drive to fight this pandemic? They should be the examples of encouraging everyone to mask up and take preventative measures to protect one another and comfort those that need it, during a time which is scary for us all.

The philosophy of christian teaching I follow is all about taking care of people who are hurting, feeding the poor, protecting the vulnerable, and loving people - whether they deserve it or not, whether they are like us or not, whether they ask for it or not. 

Churches that follow that philosophy should be our 'First Line Response'. They should be the shining example of being willing to brave a little (or a lot) of inconvenience in order to take care of others. Mask drives should be right up there along with food drives and clothes drives. 

We should be relying on pastors, preachers, and other faith leaders to wear masks, call on their congregations to wear the masks and follow the recommendations of our medical professionals. They have a (literal) pulpit from which to urge people to protect themselves and others so that we can all live better and end the pandemic sooner.

Multiplicity of Me

In addition to my personal Facebook Notes getting hosed, the Notes I had created for my page Multiplicity of Me also got lost. So I managed to go back and find them all, and now I'm creating pages here for them as well. I've put them in the list of pages as 'Multiplicity Links' so that I can link to them from the Facebook page, https://www.facebook.com/multiplicityofme. That's the page where I talk about the experience of being a multiple personality, tell stories on things my alters do, share memes, and answer questions about being multiple. Please follow me there if you're interested.

Writing Wednesday

I've really enjoyed going back through some of my old writings to convert them from Facebook notes to Pages here. I've finished about fifteen of them, and still have quite a few more to go. And, you know, I think I'm a pretty interesting writer - well, sometimes, anyway. So I've decided to start posting one writing each week to my Facebook to share with folks. Hopefully others will enjoy my Writing Wednesdays; or at least I will. 

Of course, I'll start with posting up things that are Christmas (and Christmas Carol) related, then move on to others of my old posts. Of course, the real challenge starts when I've shared all my old posts and need to start sharing new material. But one a week seems completely reasonable. Especially if I include some of my fiction in there (from https://moretoconsider.blogspot.com). You know, I could share other folks' writing, too - it's my project, and I make the rules, right?

The other challenge will be tracking which I've posted and which I haven't yet. At least, as long as we're doing old material. I guess I'll need to note that somewhere.

Facebook Notes - Converted

I used to write up quite a few Facebook notes - things I wanted to save and refer back to again and again. Sometimes an essay on a current topic, or a movie review. Or even just a list of information I wanted to come back to. 

In fall of 2020, Facebook started posting a message saying that as of October 2020, Notes would no longer be available to edit or to create new, but they would preserve the existing ones. I was upset, but not surprised. The Notes button on a profile page had gradually been moved to be harder and harder to find, and on Facebook pages as well. So I started thinking about other methods to save my thoughts, but at least I wouldn't be losing my old notes.

Sure enough, the Notes became locked. I put off doing anything about new notes, because I could still get to my old ones. And then one day I couldn't. Because they were G-O-N-E. Facebook had removed them entirely. The link to my Notes page just didn't resolve. I was so mad, and so hurt. 

But then I found where someone posted how to dig them out of archives:

https://www.facebook.com/marthatori/posts/10164197660750621

It's a little bit of work, but I was able to make copies of most of my old notes into my Google Drive. The only one that won't load that my feelings are hurt about was entitled 'I Am a Rhino', and it's about weight and self-image and had a lot of great pictures. And I think it's gone forever.

So now I'm loading each of these, and cleaning them up, into this blogsite, so that I can find them, hopefully, forever. Work that shouldn't be necessary, if Facebook would have just left them alone, but Fine. I'll handle it. 

I'm going to try posting them, not as blog posts, but as pages, so they can be easily accessed from a list by title. Otherwise they have to be sorted by date posted in blog archive, which isn't ideal.